Desk Buttons We’d Like to See
Shocking new allegations have emerged about the sexual misconduct
scandal that is quickly enveloping Matt Lauer . . . [Lauer] reportedly
had a button on his desk that allowed him to lock the door; two women
tell Variety that it enabled him to “welcome female employees and
initiate inappropriate contact while knowing nobody could walk in on
A button that encircles your desk in a wall of fire if your co-worker asks you for a hug.
A button that plays the phrase “Oh, no you didn’t!” when your co-worker interrupts you.
When your co-worker starts talking about his relationship problems, then segues into asking you to go on a fun apple-picking trip, “no strings attached,” a button that instantly teleports him a hundred feet away from you.
A button that sounds an alarm when a human-resources representative asks, “What were you wearing?”
When someone demands to speak to your manager, you—being a woman who is also the manager—push a button that blasts “Whoomp! (There It Is)” over a loudspeaker.
A button that flips your desk over when a client says “You look pretty today!” or, alternatively, “Somebody looks tired!”
A button that opens a trapdoor under a co-worker who inquires if you’re going to come back to work after you have the baby.
When you, a stylish, professional person, are being offered advice on how to dress at work, you can press a button that sprays sparks from your desk and plays the sound of a hundred cats hissing.
A button that reads aloud the definition of the term “witch hunt” whenever someone says “witch hunt.”
A button that surrounds your office visitor with fun-house mirrors when he asks, “Why do you need to take so much time off when your children get sick?”
When someone says “There are always two sides to every story,” a button that pulls aside curtains to reveal that your office is precariously perched at the edge of a bubbling volcano; a complementary second button pushes them in.
When a co-worker says “Sorry if I offended you,” a button that sucks them into a pneumatic tube and deposits him in the sewer.
A button that whisks people away to Robert Mueller’s office when they tell you, “That’s not how I remember it.”