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MasterClass Class Outline: Timothée Chalamet Teaches Skincare

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In eight lessons, the breakout star of “Call Me By Your Name” shares his strategy for maintaining a glowing complexion.

pores = tiny, sexual awakening = 100%.

Follow along to discover how you, an ordinary plebeian, can minimize your pore size and eventually lead the sexual awakening of legions of adolescents!

01: Introduction: Meet Timothée

You’ll likely recognize Timothée Chalamet’s rogue boyish charm from his roles in Oscar-nominated films “Lady Bird” and “Call Me By Your Name.” Most notably, Timothée has captivated the hearts of thousands of adolescents with his iridescent, poreless skin that graces the silver screen with the promise of titillation and heartbreak.

02: Tools You’ll Need

Timothée explains the toolkit he’s assembled to maintain his flawless skin, which includes a small skin brush made of lavender and horsehair. It also includes dozens of film award trophies, which he periodically removes from his trophy case to stimulate the circulation on his precious, precious face. No awards in your trophy case? Don’t fret. Timothée walks you through the poor man’s alternative: a Costco frying pan.

03: Cleansing: Back to Basics

Timothée recommends skipping harsh cleansers and getting back to cleansing the way nature intended: by gently misting your face with water gathered from the small spring that flows through your family’s farm in the French countryside. Similar effects can kind of almost maybe be achieved using puddles from your apartment building’s mottled courtyard.

04: Exfoliation: How Important Is It, Really?

The short answer: very. In this lesson, Timothée explains the exfoliation regimen he developed from an early age, when he was being groomed — literally groomed — for childhood stardom. He was, in fact, groomed so aggressively that his pores inverted completely, creating his airbrushed look that sent one young “Call Me By Your Name” viewer running urgently out of the cinema, Milk Duds flying, ecstatic shrieks echoing throughout the halls.

05: Moisturizing Serums and You

Timothée shares his secret for creating high-quality homemade moisturizing serums. In this lesson, you’ll learn Timothée’s secret serum recipe, which combines a small dab of Chalamet spittle with the nectar of various stone fruits, including the peach — YOU KNOW WHICH PEACH — featured in “Call Me By Your Name.”

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06: Sun Exposure: A Slippery Slope

According to Timothée, there’s a fine line between gently bronzed skin, lightly freckled from spending your childhood summers prancing through golden fields of wheat, to fine lines and other irreversible skin damage. In this lesson, Timothée explains how to cloak yourself in soft, billowy fabric to prevent skin damage — whether you’re enjoying a relaxing European summer or slaving away at your uncle’s fireworks stand for the seventh goddamn year in a row.

07: Proper Nutrition

Proper nutrition is essential to maintaining glowing skin, explains Timothée, who regularly dines on light, nutritious dishes like exotic legumes, Pamplemousse La Croix and black turtlenecks sauteed in imported olive oil. Timothée notes that careful attention to one’s diet can propel anyone — even you, the average MasterClass student wasting away in Sour Patch, Minnesota — to stardom.

08: You Either Got It Or You Don’t: Good Genes

In this MasterClass finale, Timothée explains that his razor-sharp cheekbones and willowy frame are largely the result of his impeccable breeding as the son of a Broadway dancer and a mysterious European. Fortunately for you, a lowly MasterClass student most likely descended from Latvian pig farmers, the lesson concludes with a heartening gift: a gently sensual closing shot featuring Timothée nonchalantly shrugging his left shoulder, winking softly at the camera and evaporating into a cloud of essential oils. You’re welcome.

Lillian Stone is a humor writer and freelance journalist based in the midwest. Her skin is beyond repair, but she’d still kill a man for a drop of Chalamet spittle. Follow her on Twitter!

MasterClass Class Outline: Timothée Chalamet Teaches Skincare was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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