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Cards to Show Her You Care on International Women’s Day

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(Even when you super, super don’t)

A Google Doodle just told you this holiday existed, and now it’s time to shine!

Hey fellas, we get it. Women are going crazy about International Women’s Day. Meanwhile, you’re thinking, “What about International Men’s Day?” and “How many more feminisms do I have to say before we can bang-a-rang?” We’ve got you covered. With these greeting cards, we guarantee you’ll score, just by pretending you care!

If you’re a Woke Bae…

“Until International Women’s Day is INTERSECTIONAL Women’s Day, I can’t celebrate it.”

“I‘ve never taken off my pussy hat, and I never intend to.’”

If you’re a Bro’s Bro…

“On this International Women’s Day, baby, I’ll go down on you. But you also have to go down on me for equality, am I right? Up top!”

If you’re a Political Bruh who starts any reply to a chick’s comment with, “Just playing devil’s advocate…”

“Nothing says equality like a day entirely dedicated to celebrating one sex over another 🙃 . So let’s REALLY challenge gender norms by letting you buy me dinner tonight.”

If you’re a Chill Boss…

“In honor of International Women’s Day, please feel free to leave the office one hour after me tonight instead of two.”

“Are you happy now? You’ll stop bringing up equal pay??”

If you’re an Anti-Commitment Dude who’s been with the same girl for six months but still doesn’t want to DTR so he can keep his options open (living the dream!)…

“Roses are red

Violets are Blue

Happy International Women’s Day

Now let me finger you.”

If you’re such a Male Feminist that you say things like, “It’s so unfair that I can’t experience the blessing of labor…”

“Wishing you a restorative and safe-spaced International Women’s Day. Double wish enlightened men could share in the glory of being a woman, but alas. Blessings be upon your estrogen-fueled hearts!”

If you’re a Super Senior (AARP-style) but love hitting on college chicks…

“Happy International Women’s Day from a real man who was around for second-wave feminism. Now, let me know if you want help burning your bras 😘”

“Oh, and Mother’s Day, but we’re both WAY too young for that.”

If you’re an Intellectual Fella…

“Happy International Women’s Day — you deserve this day, because science shows us there are distinct differences between men and women, and while men may have superior skills that fully explain why we’re so dominant in areas like tech, science, academics, Hollywood, art, and every medical profession except gynecology, women have slightly higher ‘emotional maturity,’ and so we should celebrate that today. You’ve earned it!”

If you’re a Mama’s Boy…

“Happy International Women’s Day to a strong, independent, emotionally mature woman from a man who was raised to be sensitive and thoughtful by a woman who didn’t lose her own identity in the process. I hope someday to earn your full respect and trust.”

“How about I make it a recurring donation?”

HAHAHA LOL JK! That’s just a gag card. Go with anything but that one.

Sasha Stewart (The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore) is a comedy writer and illustrator who would be honored to receive any one of these cards. You can find her on Twitter @ArtfulStew and on Instagram @glumgram.

Cards to Show Her You Care on International Women’s Day was originally published in The Belladonna Comedy on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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