Trump Furious That Kim Might Cooperate
”Need to make room for the new nukes I’m buying.”
White House Chief of Staff John Kelly wrestled the nuclear football from the President today when news broke that Kim Jong Un would put his nukes on the negotiating table. POTUS publicly told reporters “this should have been taken care of under Obama, Bush or Clinton. Not left to me.”
In private, however, the President feared Un might rip his chance of launching a nuclear war from his cold live fingers. He announced his preparations to launch a preemptive strike to members of the Israeli delegation following up on Netanyahu’s visit. Kelly canceled the meeting before the President could declare war officially.
Kelly, Secretary of Defense Mattis and National Security Advisor H. R. McMaster then forcibly held him to his chair while Jason Miller, POTUS’s sixth communications director injected him with sedatives and glued his script to the Oval Office desk, inside his shirt cuffs and in the lining of his hair piece. Kelly repeated sixty times, “We welcome North Korea. Only your administration, the greatest in history, could have done this,” until the President finally nodded in a hypnotic trance and said, “Yes, only Donald Trump could have done this.”
He made it through the question and answer session without declaring war, but as soon as the reporters left POTUS leaped from his seat and shouted, “We have hundreds of thousands of nukes we never used and we declared peace again? We need to make room for my nukes. Trump nukes.”
“We have hundreds of thousands of nukes we never used and we declared peace again? We need to make room for my nukes. Trump nukes.”
Before anyone could stop him, 45 scrambled over his desk, a feat thought impossible for a healthy 238 pound man — much less a fat, slovenly President who most likely clocks in at 350 — and made it to the nuclear football in two seconds. Fortunately the codes were written and not delivered orally, so he didn’t know how to enter them.
“I don’t want to be a peace President, I want to be a war President,” he screamed as all four men, including former Communications Director Miller (now the sixth director to leave the White House), wrestled the football from his fingers. “Reagan got his war, I want mine.”
“Thank God the codes are numbers. The President thinks he’s a great businessman, but he’s terrible with numbers.”
“Thank God the codes are numbers,” a staff member confided. “The President thinks he’s a great businessman, but he’s terrible with numbers.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
Trump Furious That Kim Might Cooperate was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.