POTUS denies White House in Chaos
“There is no chaos on great energy” of a Category 5 hurricane
Sitting at his Oval Office desk before a window shattered by gale force winds, the President assured reporters the White House was “a well-oiled machine with only great energy.” His comments came only hours before his economic advisor Gary D. Cohn announced his departure from the finely tuned operation.
Before the President’s three Big Mac and two shake stress lunch, two new Communications directors took the job and resigned when they realized what it would entail, Trump ordered department heads to fire thirty-six random employees “just to show who’s boss,” a former aid who refused to cooperate with Special Counsel Muller changed his mind and squealed like a spider monkey spotting a tree full of bananas, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced he was clearing Hillary Clinton of all charges, and the toilet in the Oval Office bathroom fell through the floor. With the President on it.
“I call that ‘smooth sailing,’” the President told reporters. “Not only are our ratings higher than ever, but we just learned we singlehandedly saved the Olympics from South Korean incompetence and forced the North Koreans to unconditional surrender. This is not only the best-oiled machine in the history of business but it will be clear skies for the rest of the race.”
“We singlehandedly saved the Olympics from South Korean incompetence and forced the North Koreans to unconditional surrender. This is not only the best-oiled machine in the history of business but it will be clear skies for the rest of the race.”
Two hours after Cohn’s departure, winds in excess of 30mph — rumored to originate beneath the Oval Office desk while the President pretended to write a memo — ripped through the White House, blowing out a dozen windows and ripping a hole in the wall. POTUS ordered the old White House building to be bulldozed and issued a no-bid contract to the Trump Organization to build “a palatial mansion in its place.”
“Once my business takes over, we’ll be the best run organization in the history of smooth sailing political machines,” he Tweeted from his temporary quarters at the DC Trump Hotel. He next Tweeted, “with the old White House gone, all the Obama mistakes that got in our way will no longer face us.”
The response from his supporters has been mixed. “I don’t see why the media gets hot and bothered,” Kansas resident Joe Avridge told The Haven. “What I read about the White House sounds exactly like where I work. Everybody running around with no direction because a manic micromanages with conflicting orders. My buddies say their jobs are like that too. So what’s the big deal?”
After a moment’s consideration, however, Avridge reconsidered. “Then again, I hate my boss. He’s the most evil son-of-a-bitch that ever lived and the President sounds just like him. So I don’t know what to think.”
: or, in White House parlance, “apples.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
POTUS denies White House in Chaos was originally published in The Haven on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.