David Brooks’ Rejected Satire Pitches
A Very Meta Piece of Humor
Pricey Editors of The Belladonna,
I do know you supposedly solely settle for submissions from ladies and non-binary authors, however I couldn’t work out the way to undergo The Onion. I’m hoping that you simply’ll rethink your biased, unethical stance, as I’m a celebrated columnist and the writer of a latest satire piece printed within the New York Instances. If it wouldn’t intimidate you an excessive amount of to work with a thought-leader of my stature, listed below are a number of the items I wish to write to your publication.
“The place the Grid Ends”
Are you able to think about, as an alternative of taking a automotive down to midtown, taking a prepare up? Surprisingly, it is a actuality for thousands and thousands of New Yorkers. On this piece, I’ll present the reader what it’s wish to dwell in Decrease Manhattan, written within the model of an answering machine message.
“The Social Paradox Reimagined”
This piece will probably be what I wish to name a “listicle.” It’s going to characteristic the numerous the reason why iPhones are helpful, written from the viewpoint of an individual who doesn’t need to have one.
Plenty of individuals are discovering love on-line as of late, however what if potential paramours mentioned what they actually thought? This piece, formatted like a collection of private adverts from the web site Tinder, will probably be a hilarious peek on the battle of the sexes that may ensue if males have been free to boldly ask ladies questions like, “Are you prepared to have intercourse with me tonight?”
“The Moral Implausibility of Yoga”
That is only a listing of the reason why I don’t “get” yoga.
“David Brooks Goes to Chipotle”
Check out the tofu-loving hippies who’re irrationally afraid of GMOs but nonetheless need “quick” meals: guests to a well-liked Mexican-food chain referred to as “Chipotle.” This satire containing a imprecise thesis and sometimes-racist stereotypes will probably be written within the model of a letter out of your wealth supervisor.
“Selfishness Involves Our Doorsteps”
When folks put welcome mats within the hallway in entrance of their house doorways, it makes for a messy residing surroundings. This piece, greater than thirty years within the making, will probably be written within the type of a letter I plan on posting in my constructing’s foyer.
“All the Issues that Are Like a Marriage”
From these rattling silent auctions at my youngsters’ faculties to mass genocide, just about every little thing is sort of a marriage. On this piece, I’ll elaborate at size however by no means truly make some extent. Written within the format of an America On-line chat room.
“The best way to Be Meta”
Allegations about Trump’s ties to Russia? I don’t know, they don’t appear as unhealthy as Whitewater. Hashish legalization? Solely school youngsters smoke that stuff! This collection will current the worst takes potential with headlines that sound like a lecture you’d hear in an interdisciplinary class at a liberal arts school. They are going to be written within the type of a New York Instances column.
Jennifer Boudinot is a freelancer author who lives in Brooklyn. Her work has been printed in Collider, the Nationwide Lampoon, and elsewhere.