Caitlin Cook

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

Look, I’m not gonna lie and say that I know much about Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t watch any of his movies or TV shows when I was growing up; I vaguely remember rejecting Pooh at a young age because I thought it was weird that he never wore pants and didn’t have a problem with being covered in honey all the time. Now that I’m an adult, however, and can sympathize with both of those things, I can say that Pooh seems like a fairly decent guy.

But I’ve got a bone to pick with the son of a bitch. And it’s regarding this quote:

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” -Winnie the Pooh

I was first introduced to this monstrosity of a sentence in elementary school. I thought it was stupid then, and I think it’s stupid now. Why? Because it makes no goddamn sense. When most people look at this quote, it seems they think that it’s a sweet quote about love and friendship. But what Pooh-Bear has actually done here is paint a scary picture of obsession and mortality.

Item 1. Let me first point out that this quote hardly makes any logical sense. If living to be a hundred minus a day means not having to live without someone who lives to be a hundred, then that must mean that these two lovers were born on the exact same day and thus, would turn one-hundred on the same day. This would also mean that Pooh would die the day before his 100th birthday, and that his lover would die on their 100th birthday. This quote really doesn’t work unless this is the case.

(Now, I’m going to write the rest of this article under the assumption that the above scenario is the truth. Again, that is the only way this quote can make any sense at all.)

Item 2. Wouldn’t it be better to wish that you could die with the person you love? Honestly, that’s how I’ve always wished it could happen for me. It’s always a shame when one lover has to live without the other, so why can’t Pooh-Bear imagine a scenario in which that doesn’t have to happen at all? What is he hiding?

Item 3. So basically, Pooh, you think it’s an ideal situation for your lover to watch you die and be the one to live without you? If one of you has to live without the other, why can’t you take one for the team? Selfish much?

Item 4. Not to mention, this person would have to suffer the loss of their lover on their 100th birthday! When someone reaches the age of 100, that should be a day filled with joy, a celebration of longevity and wisdom. But, no. Pooh-Bear wants his lover to spend their 100th birthday experiencing a shattering loss. Sadist? Likely.

And then what? Does Pooh’s lover then die? I fucking guess so. Is it by accident, or does this lover pull a Romeo? Either way, that’s disgusting and not romantic at all.

In summary, this is the scenario Pooh brings forth with this sentence: Two lovers, born on the exact same day, grow old together. They’re approaching their mutual centennial. Goddamn, they probably have a huge ass party planned for the two of them. But alas, Lover A dies the day before. Lover B, in a state of devastation, makes an appearance at the party. Their loved ones cheer, until they notice Lover A’s absence. Lover B delivers the bad news, cancels the whole shindig, and dies of depression that night.

Big yikes, Pooh. Biiiiig yikes.

Item 5. Among every species of bear known to man, the average lifespan is 25 years.

So, I’ve got some bad news for you, Pooh.

You pantsless asshole.

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