Actors Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx ended their long term relationship this week, stunning a normally celebrity-savvy public who had no idea the two even knew each other, let alone had dated for the past six years.
Said Melissa Guilfoyle of Grand Rapids, Michigan, “When you say ‘relationship,’ you mean like their kids went to the same elementary school and they saw each other at PTA meetings and on bake sale committees? And now the kids are going to new schools so they won’t be bumping into each other any more? Because I could maaaaybe buy not hearing about that. Maybe. But dating? Surely it would have come up on one of the nineteen Hollywood podcasts I subscribe to.”
Added Daryl Chapman of Atlanta, “I spend eighty-five percent of my workday browsing TMZ, Hollywood Life, Hollywood Gossip, Hollywood News and Hollywood Hollywood Hollywood! and not a peep. I’m even one of the few people still reading Entertainment Weekly/Monthly/Biannually cover to cover — all five pages! — and I didn’t have a clue.”
Confirming the breakup, the ex-couple said in a press release that they were both disappointed and were asking that everyone respect their privacy during this difficult time, though “maybe not as much as you have the past seventy-two months. Look, we are celebrities — feel free to mention us once in a while, for god’s sake. There’s no law against taking pictures, are we right? Is there a paparazzi strike we didn’t hear about? Cripes. Was our couples name not cute enough for you? I get it — Kamie sounds weird. But Jatie? Jatie is so cool! Sorry we didn’t adopt a couple dozen kids to pique your interest! Jatie out!
P.S. Enter the code TOOSOON at our website for 95% off all #JATIE merchandise.”
At press time, Ms. Holmes was denying that the split had anything to do with Mr. Foxx flubbing a line as George Jefferson on national TV, but admitted his refusal to stop with the George Jefferson dance every damn night got a bit old.