Reuben Shalome


It was to be the greatest day of my life

I’m All White. Image: Flickr

I was white.

Not any old white either. I’m talking whiter than white. Pure white. Klan white. Not your average man in grey suit, balding and pale who hasn’t seen the sun in 16 years and looks anaemic white. No. It was the type of white which I could trace back my roots to Scandinavia. Viking white. Rippling white.

I was so excited i couldn’t wait to leave the house.

I felt the need to show off my new found superiority.

At the breakfast table I showed my wife how superior I was feeling. I could tell she was totally into being dominated as she hung off my every word. She knew who the boss was. I spoke slowly making sure she understood where she belonged in this new social order.

“Dont bother going to work today” I declared. “Your place is here in the kitchen.”

She was thrilled to be told what to do. To no longer have to think for herself. To be taken care of.

I imagined a new world order where the old empire could be restored. We could go back to more regal times where second class citizens, like women, were humble and proud to stand silently by their men.

I had hit the jackpot. Not only was I white. I was a man too.

Could this day get any better?

Outside it was like a whole new dawn.

The local dairy owner, an ethnic, now greeted me as ‘Sir’. He could tell I was a highfalutin gentleman. I told him I had no cash to pay for my morning paper.

“Do not worry Sir,” he spoke with his Indian twang, “your credit is all good here.”

It pays to not pay being white. I daydreamed of all the new places I could shop now I no longer had to do a credit check.

Further down the street, my remarks to young girls were no longer sneered at. Well, at least they didn’t reply. I felt embolden enough to wolf whistle at one hot chick. Hot chick? I could even feel my vocabulary boosted with white male power. I instinctively knew when it would be the right time to slap some ass. ‘Always’ was the answer. Especially after a waitress brought me coffee.

I once again thanked god for bestowing upon me this glorious gift of whiteness. The Lord was rewarding me and I knew I had the right to judge everybody because I was now their intellectual superior.

It was only 9am and I hadn’t even arrived at the office.

If only we all lived in a world like this…



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