Allie Greenberg

You two will just love each other!

Come join us!

So you’ve found yourself in a relationship. Congratulations! You’ve successfully found someone who finds your social anxiety endearing and will have sex with you consistently. Nice work! You decide now is the time to finally introduce him to an item meant to be a security object — a physical representation of the mother-child bond, that provides you the same comfort today as it did as a child.

It’s time he meets your baby blanket (aptly named Blankey). And this is how you break it to him:

  1. When your boyfriend sleeps at your place, make sure you set the scene. Light some candles in your room. Wear your sexiest bra. Tell him you’re going to share something very personal with him. A toy (if you will) that brings you so much pleasure. Say it might bring him that same joy.
  2. Right as he’s starting to look excited, saunter over to your closet. Build the suspense. Slowly open up your closet, the place you usually leave Blankey when he is over. Pick up Blankey from the confines of your dirty sneakers and worn down Birkenstocks. Hold her (yes, she has a gender) up in the air, Simba-style.
  3. Have him gently place his hand on Blankey. Pray that he can imprint into Blankey like baby ducks do with their moms. You want him to have his own special bond with her.
  4. In the rare case imprinting fails, tap into your boyfriend’s kinks. Remind him that he’s always suggesting you two try a threesome. Tell him that Blankey can serve as that third lover. Maybe you can throw some stuffed animals into the mix? Try to gauge what he’s into from an inanimate object perspective.
  5. If he’s not into the threesome idea and wants a more wholesome relationship with Blankey, say that you two can keep Blankey in a safe space until you can give her to your first child — Charlotte, if a girl, or Ben, if a boy. If your boyfriend truly cares about you, he’d want the legacy of Blankey to live on.
  6. If your boyfriend looks completely freaked out for some reason and is confused why you’re already planning your future with him, just be honest with him. Explain that Blankey was your first friend and that she contains some special power that actually makes her come to life after midnight. She can low key kind of be a bitch, so if he treats you wrong, threaten him that Blankey will put him in his place.
  7. Make sure to mention to him that Blankey is actually the founder of a cult and leads meetings every Thursday night in the church basement down the street. Tell him about the time she explained how Paul Blart Mall Cop is an allegory for the technology boom of the 2000s. Paul Blart is Mark Zuckerberg! That should move him to tears.
  8. If that doesn’t compel him, add in how Blankey showed you a portal in your shower that leads to another dimension. In that dimension, all Blankeys have humans that they sleep with every night. Blankey is a Harvard Law graduate in that dimension, currently working on a bill to close the wage gap for female stuffed bears. Her work is incredible.
  9. When your boyfriend starts to run to the door, telling you that he never wants to see you again, understand that he’s not the one for you and Blankey. You should be with someone who accepts Blankey for her lovable, sassy, and magical self!

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