Mo Solo

Yes, it’s September 2019, but I’ve been busy, people!

This image may possibly resemble my former neighbor experimenting with some sort of “special” substance. By Catherine Heath on Unsplash

Moving time — The first month of the year brought about the BIG move in which we escaped from a crazed neighbor who spoke in tongues, smoked skunkweed, and banged (or possibly threw her body) on the walls. Unfortunately, the day of the big move turned out to be the coldest day of the year with winds whipping around. This move also involved me driving a 20-foot moving truck around twisting roads that make your intestines look straight. And, driving it up a dirt road with an incline so steep that I thought we would flip over backward.

This month primarily consisted of staying warm and house sitting a cat with a name similar to my own. I sometimes called him Chatty Catty though because he can talk more than a certain commander-in-chief can Tweet. However, he is much more respectful and actually makes sense.

For the month of March, I went to court to support my former landlord in a case against the tongue-speaking, former neighbor.

This is the sound that was in my head when they called the court to order. Also, I had to bite my own tongue to refrain from yelling, “You can’t handle the truth!”

Hmmm…well, there was at least April Fool’s Day during this month.

I don’t remember much about this month. It is possible I was briefly kidnapped by aliens. However, no matter which universe I was in, I’m pretty sure that I celebrated May the Force Be With You and Revenge of the Sith, though.

The only other thing I remember was discovering that there is such a thing as a service hen. Henceforth, I promptly requested my boss that I be allowed to bring a service hen to work. She denied my request (I have no idea why.) However, I was allowed to bring a stuffed hen in. We called her Buffy.

I skipped this month.

I don’t remember what prompted it (possibly someone accidentally laughed at one of my snarky remarks) or it could’ve been my way of dealing with the constant news coverage of the King of Foolish Tweets, but I relaunched The Humor Side newsletter. This saved me at least one visit to the therapist and an estimated $324.12 from not buying alcohol.

Ahhh…the great battle between man (or in my case wo-man) and beast took place this month. Yes, it was Mo Versus El Diablo. It wasn’t pretty, but I did win. Bonus: I did NOT burn the house down.

September saw me battling against a payment processing company that I call the NayNal Corporation. I am positive it was an attempt at brainwashing as they sent me numerous emails calling me Jack Horn as I tried repeatedly to update the company account, which was in a former employee’s name. Fortunately, I’ve trained for years like Colonel Flag to avoid brainwashing techniques.

If you want this kind of hardnosed training, be sure to sign up for my upcoming webinar tentatively titled, “Get Zapped: The Tao of Not Laughing” Note: You will be required to provide your own cattle prod.

They couldn’t fool me into thinking that my name was Jack Horn. Still, after two months of battling them and submitting (numerous times) the requested documentation such as a drop of blood, all bank account records, and hair of a first-born child (fortunately this all had to be submitted by my supervisor), I received an email which almost pushed me into going roastal (this is similar to going postal, but involves your head catching fire from anger). The email stated that the name on the documentation did not match the name on the account!!! No, fracking duh! That’s what we were trying to change.

I’m convinced there was a real person behind those emails who probably subcontracts for the devil.

The big stink. That’s how I remember this month. I awoke to the smell of sewage. After investigating numerous possibilities, we called the property manager only to have a 10-minute lecture on how if a pet has an accident that can cause smells (no duh, Sherlock). This lecture took place after I had already told them that… WE. HAVE. NO. PETS! (Unless you count my imaginary friend.) Apparently, they think we are meth-heads who poop in the corner of the house and forget that we did it.

I was on TV. Thank goodness it was at the crack of dawn and probably only 4 people saw it. At least that’s what I told myself to soothe the terror. I can get up and talk in front of hundreds, but I do not like TV. My mojo force only works in person.

It was a brutal holiday as I discovered on December 24th that my favorite tea was discontinued! There is more to this story. It is currently sitting in a draft folder and based on how long it took to get this story out, you may not see it until June 2020 if we are lucky.

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