Play to win, til death do us part
Oh, the games married people play.
As the ultimate game changer, marriage forces you to change the rules of classic games you grew up playing. Because if you don’t pronounce yourselves as winner or loser, are you even married?
A game of evolving personalities that keeps you guessing. Factors dependent on the following: ovulation cycle, fantasy football standings, asking whether this is a mood swing, and whether the second glass of wine has kicked in.
The passive aggressive game. Land on spaces such as I’M FINE*; Principles of Parallel Parking, Toilet Paper Roll Management, “Are you going to wear that?” And Things You Did in My Dream to Make Me Angry.
- Also works in conjunction with FINE, WHATEVER.
The game of futility. Collect all of the pie pieces when you ask a number of tasks in vain. Examples include:
Ask them why they left a thimble-sized amount of milk in the carton and still decided to put it back in the refrigerator.
Ask your spouse to load the dishwasher the correct way.
Ask why they pee so loud.
Ask whether all of these decorative throw pillows are necessary.
First one to successfully locate all of their items wins. Designated items to search for include — and we’re just spit balling here — your spontaneity, sense of fun, natural hair color, your youth, your best years.
Taking place during standard sleep hours, this is a hybrid game this combines the classic Tug of War we all know, and refers to the total square inch possession of sheets and blankets.
Can also refer to one spouse’s general approach to daily conversation.
When the music stops, you sit smugly in that tufted wingback Pottery Barn chair (with nailhead trim, natch) that you two argued about buying for 6 months.
And now for a marital twist on your favorite games …
No, it’s not Colonel Mustard with the lead pipe in the conservatory.
New Weapons: Indifference, Hyperbole, Assumption, Jumping to Conclusions, Silent Treatment, Bringing up Things Past the 5 Year Statute of Limitations
New Locations: Basement/Man Cave, Trader Joe’s parking lot.
The arduous game of going through lots of difficult and elaborate tasks to meet an objective. May refer to setting up that birthday brunch at the Italian place that has those gluten-free breadsticks and also a dozen of those rare fire lilies imported from South Africa because don’t you know this is my way of celebrating the day you were born?
Ask the following loaded questions:
- Does this make my clavicle look fat?
- Do you think ____ is pretty/funny/smart?
- Automatic follow-up question: So do you think ___ is prettier than me/funnier than me/believes in climate change?
- What are you thinking right now at this very moment?
Buckle up because I even shaved tonight.
Never mind, I have a headache.