Just some of the necessities for a pint-sized life
My fellow toddlers and I don’t need much to get through our day. Really, just the necessities: a fistful of Goldfish crackers and a shit-eating grin.
But it’s always good to tote around a few key items. For emergencies, contingencies, or just because.
I’m told you can learn a lot about someone’s soul from what they carry in their bag. At least that’s what my mom says. Because nothing reveals more depth of character than knowing your favorite celebrity carries rosebud salve and a bottle of kombucha in her Chanel bag.
If I had to guess, my mom’s bag is probably under eye cream, dry shampoo, a half-eaten Power bar, and the forlorn regret of her best years gone. I’ll rifle through it later and let you know for sure.
In the meantime, let me give you a peek inside my everyday essentials.
Just one. Because the other one just didn’t feel right. That’s all you need to know.
But now, I can’t find the other one.
To pass the time in a just-in-case scenario. I feel like my parents will one day follow through with the “I’m going to turn this car around” threat. And while they’ll be cursing their way back after 4 hours into the drive to convince themselves THIS IS A TEACHABLE MOMENT, at least I’ll have something to keep me occupied.
For my collection, okay? To go next to my pinecone pile. Also, can you just hold these for me, please?
Flash Drive with PowerPoint Slides
Just building my case for why wearing pants should be optional. Exhibit A: Daniel Tiger, Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh.
Old-Timey Ear Trumpet, modified for size
I like to use this to verify specific noises I hear throughout the day: the sound of a chip bag opening from inside a closed pantry door; when my mom closes the bathroom door for the first moment of privacy all day (that’s go-time for me); and the sound of any ice cream truck within a 25 mile radius in the Tri-State area.
I normally operate in clothes optional mode, but when I am clothed, I prefer breathable, wicking fabric. This is conducive for various physical activity such as my signature plank move in my car seat and meltdowns while outstretched in the supine position in Aisle D9 at Target.
Pocket-sized compilation of Plato and Aristotle’s greatest hits on the meaning of life
After I’ve asked for my third drink of water during Act II of Bedtime, I reach into my bag for this and tell mom and dad to pull up a seat because I have all the questions that demand to be answered. What can I say? I’m at my most contemplative at bedtime.
One apple with three bites
[Snort] I promise I’ll eat the whole thing.
My white nightgown
To achieve maximum effect, I wear this when appearing at the side of my parents’ bed in the middle of the night. I stand there silently, sometimes my hair covers my whole face (which can’t be helped) and when they finally wake up, I say “I’ve been waiting for you.” This normally gets quite the reaction.
But I was just wondering if they’ve seen that other sock.
I’m known for languishing over meals, sometimes for hours. My mom always says, who do think I am, a French person? Well, yeah. Yeah, I think I am.
An offensive PB&J actually containing PB&J
I don’t know what the misunderstanding lies. Keeping in my bag as evidence of this lunchtime betrayal.
A healthy dose of boldness
Useful for the following: lifting up the skirts of mannequins just to check things out; what my parents have deemed “off-color questions” to people who look like they could be friends with my grandparents; and when I genuinely want to know why my mom is wearing her pajamas out.