Roshan Daryanani

Forget the 20-minute lectures; let famous Theodores teach you how to live

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Long before the renowned conference began, Theodores from all walks of life felt qualified to espouse their wisdom, perhaps anticipating that a the world’s most well-known speeches would one day be named in their honour. If you’re seeking to take a short but intensive course in their insightful words (and who isn’t), here’s a hand-picked selection.

If you’re not scared, then you’re not taking a chance. If you’re not taking a chance, then what the hell are you doing anyway?

— Ted Mosby, lead character on the sitcom How I Met Your Mother

Well, maybe I’m simply sticking to the speed limit and avoiding extreme sports, Ted. Just sayin’. Let’s not knock being a sensible, law-abiding citizen. Don’t you famously have children to be an example to?

God gets you to the plate, but once you’re there you’re on your own.

— Ted Williams, baseball player

Actually, hunger gets me to the plate, not just at lunch and dinner, but at all hours of the day. And personally, I feel far from alone with several warm slices of pizza to keep me company, thank you very much.

If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed — like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.

— Ted Nugent, singer

Wait, what? Oh, so you mean like…. huh? I doubt any animal would agree with you there, my friend.

Our nation […] was built on the five most beautiful and powerful words in the English language, “I want to be free.”

— Ted Cruz, politician

Well, sure, but I also want healthcare to be free, and a higher education, and now that we’re on the subject, I could do with the occasional all-expenses paid trip to Jamaica. Time to move to Canada and get a job in a travel agency (do those still exist?).

If you’re having fun doing what you’re doing, you’re gonna really want to work hard at it.

— Ted Ligety, two-time Olympic gold medalist

This one’s definitely true. I find so much joy in extended Netflix binges that I’ve decided to dedicate myself to them full-time. So long, 9–5 job and steady paycheck!

Sometimes when I got a little lonely or depressed I would go down to the supermarket in hopes of being recognized. I would squeeze a few melons and look around surreptitiously. Raise my voice if I had to.

— Ted Knight, actor

You think that’s bad. I do that regularly, without a drop of fame to my name.

The American people abhor a vacuum.

— Theodore Roosevelt, former U.S. President

So do I — housework is the worst.

I’ll never be like other people, but that’s alright because I’m a bear.

— Paddington, a Ted of sorts

That’s some bare-faced self-acceptance for you, right there.

In living we die, in dying we live.

— Ted Dekker, writer and apparently confused soul

Surely that can’t be right.

Applause is the beginning of abuse.

— Ted Hughes, writer

Oh dear. This one’s especially disconcerting. Hold back the claps, please!

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