Jen Freymond

You’ll know it when you see it.

Please help me find my taint, please.

Childbirth is an incredibly powerful experience for a person to have, and I have been lucky enough to experience it twice. On two separate occasions, I summoned my inner warrior and fought the long and strenuous battle of bringing a human being out of their safe, dark womb and into the brilliance of life. What I’m wondering though, is if you’ve seen my taint. I think you’ll know it when you see it because it looks like a taint. Mine happens to be pink in color.

I’ll never forget how strong I felt when we finally welcomed our nine-pound baby into the world. I had labored for twenty-seven hours and pushed for four hours, and genuinely thought I was going to die. Luckily though, my child and I survived. There was only one casualty on that rainy night, and that casualty was my taint.

My partner was in awe of me, and I was in a different sort of awe about the fact that after all that laboring, they still had to sew up a tear “down there,” because you can’t push for that long without tearing. I’m not sure they did such a great job sewing me up though, because it seems like I don’t have a taint anymore.

My second birth was much faster and they did not have to do any stitching. I thought this was because of less time pushing and because my second baby was significantly smaller, but looking back, I think this may have been because I didn’t have a taint anymore, what with the first debacle. I do happen to have a hand-drawn rendering of it in case that would be helpful in the search for my taint. I’ll leave it with Gary at the front desk.

Our bodies are miraculous. We can grow actual human beings inside of ourselves and are then able to provide all the nourishment they need with our own bodiesfor their first six months of life. It’s nothing short of magical. But I amstill wondering if my taint is around here somewhere.

Would I want to go through childbirth again? Never, oh hell no hahahaha are you kidding me. By which I mean, wow, childbirth is beautiful. And people who have given birth are the strongest people on earth. I’m a proud member of this demographic. I also believe we should be talking openly and honestly with each other about the experience and the ways it affects us for our entire lives. In my case, I have two children to love and care for for the rest of my life, and the knowledge that I am tough enough to do anything. Unfortunately it also means that my taint is missing, and I would appreciate getting that back. Are there proper channels for reporting a missing taint, or?

When my children were born, I accessed a strength from within that rose like a flame from embers. Like Icharus, I astonished those around me with my ability to soar higher than anyone thought possible. Sadly, ‘twas my taint that soared too close to the sun.

Author Bio:

Jen is the co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That,” and you can find other work of hers in McSweeney’s, The Offing, and on Little Old Lady Comedy. She is tough and tender, but possibly not that smart because she is currently spending a year living in an RV with her partner and two children.

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