Janie Beaufore


As long as men are horny, Sirens are safe

In our Fearless Female Career Spotlight series, we interview successful female professionals from a variety of fields. This week, we sat down with Aglaophonos, a renowned Siren, to learn all about her work luring sailors to their certain death.

What is a Siren?

A Siren is someone who uses their sexuality and musical prowess to coax sailors ashore, causing them to wreck their ships and then devouring them. We are often mistaken for mermaids, which is fine, it’s just that mermaids are a totally separate thing! Mermaids fall in love with sailors and Sirens systematically dismantle them emotionally and physically.

When did you know you wanted to be a Siren?

In many ways, being a Siren chooses you more than you choose being a Siren. The field tends to attract those who are born part-fish. Not to say you can’t become a Siren if you aren’t part-fish — it just helps you get a foot (or tail!) in the door since nothing is sexier to a man than a woman with scales who vaguely reminds him of an impressive trout he once caught. Plus, I’ve always had a strong singing voice and a lust for killing, so I’ve found that the job is a great way to combine those interests.

How much job security do you have?

Lots. As long as men are horny, my job is safe. Even the ones who are all, “I’m disgusted with Tristan Thompson — I would never cheat on my girlfriend,” when they’re on land will immediately abandon those morals once they see me from the deck of their buddy Trev’s speedboat. And sure, a lot of that has to do with my enchanting singing, but sometimes I’ll just be hanging out on the beach with my 3 beautiful eels, not singing at all, and a man will drive an entire cruise ship ashore and be like, “I’m sorry, I know this is crazy, but we’re on our way to Crete and if you want to come, I have a timeshare there, blah, blah, blah,” and then I devour him and all the men on the ship. There is no shortage of business in this field.

What kind of training do you need to become a Siren?

There isn’t a lot of formal training; it’s mostly on-the-job. If you’re really interested in learning the foundational skills, a lot of Sirens have started hiring interns. It’s mostly to help with clean-up, but you’ll still get to see the whole process from beginning to end — everything from spotting sails in the distance to posing sensually on a rock to sucking the brain out of the skull. Unfortunately, most of us can’t pay our interns, but I had a girl from USC last summer who was able to use her internship to get class credits for marine biology, sexuality studies, and mixed martial arts.

How has the field changed since you started in it?

Well, since I started over 13,000 years ago, there has certainly been some fluctuation in public perception of this job. At first, people would always say to me, “Sirens are terrible, they kill the men and the men are the providers,” but now I get a lot of comments like, “Thank you for making there be less men.”

Also, back when I started, it was all spice trading ships full of indentured servants or heroes crossing the Mediterranean Sea, but now most of my business comes from riverboat gamblers or middle-aged men on “no-wives-allowed” fishing trips.

What is the corporate culture like?

This is a matriarchal business full of inspiring women. The other Sirens I’ve met traveling from shipwreck to shipwreck have become some of my best friends and mentors. A bunch of us are going to Cape Cod next week, actually. We get a big cave out there every summer and swap industry tips — things like how to make a smoky eye using mud or how to tell Poseidon to stop inviting you to his sex reef in the Gulf Stream. He has really gone off the rails since everyone found out the moon controls the tides and not him.

What do you like least about your job?

Tearing through the ligaments. They always get stuck in my teeth.

What do you like most about your job?

I set my own hours.

What advice do you wish someone would have given you when you were young?

If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life! I truly love my job, and it has never felt like work apart from that one time the coast guard tried to get me with a harpoon. So don’t be afraid to follow your dreams!



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