Matt Cowan

Photo by Courtney Clayton on Unsplash

Let’s face it, raising a son is way too much work, which is why you skipped most of it. But, you also don’t want complete strangers on social media to know how terrible a father you are, so here are five techniques you can use to convince him (and, more importantly, them) you were actually there during his unloved childhood, reality be damned.

1. Fake having cancer

How are you going to get him back in your life after all the (physical and emotional) scars you’ve given him?

By faking a terminal illness.

We’re talking the Big C here: be a Cunt.

Then, when he’s at his lowest ebb, stage a miraculous recovery and you can ride the wave of his relief all the way to the bank (assuming you’re not an idiot, and borrow money off him in his weakened state). Also, be sure to take selfies for your new shared Instagram account he doesn’t know about (@fatherandsonBFFs).

This new status quo will only last as long as he’s drunk though, so keep him plastered for as long as you can.

Or at least until you remember why you walked out on the little shit in the first place.

2. Make a friend

Let’s be honest, there are no guarantees your boy will actually be sad when he gets the news of your untimely demise. You’re going to need another in.

Namely, paying their childhood friends to lie to him for you.

On second thought, this would cost too much money (and when did you last spend a dime on the fucker?). Just threaten them with a sharpened shin bone.

With someone he actually trusts in your corner (tied up), it should be a doddle getting him to replace the facts with alternative, tweetable ones where you’re not a hopeless, drunken absence.

3. Incept the hell out of him

Now that you have him doubting reality and his own memories, the next step is going full Inception. I’m talking subliminal messaging, like the swastika in the FedEx logo.

This is a simple case of playing recorded messages all the hours he’s asleep. There must be an app for this, so break into his place one night and set it up on his phone. (While you’re there, don’t forget to unblock yourself from his different social media accounts so the world can see that you’re #blessed.)

Make sure the message is positive and soothing, though. Don’t get angry, and for Christ’s sake don’t break down in tears. You don’t want his nightmares coming back, and you can save the crying for the bar later.

Just put “Daddy always loved you”, “It wasn’t your fault” and “Your mom turned you against me” on repeat, and by the end of the month he’ll hate her every bit as much as he does you.

4. Photoshop is your friend

Luckily, most of our earliest memories don’t come from what we recall of our lived experience, but the photographic evidence of the event.

So, what you’ve got to do is Photoshop yourself into each and every birthday, Christmas and Thanksgiving photo. If your kid is less than fifteen years old, this is going to be a piece of piss, as everything’s one Snapchat filter away from being fact. If they’re older than that, you’re no doubt going to have to fake actual physical photographs. This is harder, but not impossible.

Especially if you burn the evidence by setting his house on fire.

Make it look like an accident, if you can be bothered. What’s important is that you get rid of Exhibits A — Z; childhood memories, priceless family heirlooms and lack of house insurance be damned.

5. Get his shrink on-side

Your son will clearly have a psychiatrist.

You’ve got to invade this safe haven and ruin it by altering his shrink’s notes. Contradict all the Freudian daddy crap that he no doubt spouts every week, then make sure he sees it by leaving the doctored folder in the waiting room before his next appointment.

You’re no doubt thinking “That sounds like a lot of work. If I couldn’t be fucked turning up for the birth, why would I go to all this effort?”

You’re right.

It’s much easier to kidnap the shrink’s dog. In your ransom note, make it clear that they have to start making you into a hero in his eyes by challenging his version of events, and blaming literally anyone else for your mistakes.

Or the dog gets it.

For ‘it’ read: the shin bone. To eat, obviously. You like dogs. They’re much better than kids, right?

You know what, fuck all of the above: get a dog instead. If its Instagram posts are cute enough, no one will care how bad a dad you are, not even your son.

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