Justine Reed

Being overlooked in the ferocious world of online dating? Follow our advice to catch your soulmate.

Last month, literally thousands of men sent in weepy emails of gratitude after following our tips. Many dudes raved about the incredible success they’d found. In the sack. One guy even moved out of his mom’s basement, and his recent “live-in girlfriend” is now paying his bills. Jackpot!

And neither are our tips! Listen up ladies: while men recklessly swipe left on your profile, you could be missing out on the man of your dreams. Follow our simple hacks, and you’ll soon be drowning in ball sweat.

According to questionable research from ostentatious-sounding resources, the majority of men on Tinder are looking for a deep and meaningful connection. This follows, since 89% of men value personality over physical attributes in a partner. Haven’t you heard that saying?

Only 11% of men are visual creatures

Mr. Right won’t care about your looks. Or porn. Or sex.

He doesn’t want to see your face, he wants to see into our soul. Therefore, you’ll need a lengthy write-up and fewer photos.

This is where we invite you to go deep, girlfriend. Pour your fucking heart out. We recommend approximately 23 paragraphs of detail about why you’re unique. And still single. Be sure to include:

  • Every adjective ever used to describe yourself
  • Snippets from your favorite authors (we love Jane Austen but really, anything old school literary will suffice)
  • Mentions of all your pets by name and their favorite places to snuggle
  • Details of your volunteer hours, hobbies and other activities that completely fill your available time
  • Red flags and other traits you despise in a mate: players, time wasters, liars, cheats, small penises, workaholics, nice guys, slackers, cheapskates, short men, fat men, thin men, old men, young men, etc
Bonus points for pics with pets that you love more than you will ever love a man. Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash

Insider Tip: If you’re short on material, take a tape recorder along to your next therapy session.

Brené Brown has made it abundantly clear that vulnerability is sexy AF. Make sure to elaborate on emotional wounds, baggage from past relationships and any other neuroses that are pertinent.

Your Tinder date should fully grasp the details of your co-parenting situation. Be sure to write personal histories on each of your baby daddies, including when they’re up for parole.

The more sordid the details, the better.

Let’s face it, men fall in love with broken women. The Japanese developed an art form out of mending broken bowls to celebrate their beauty. And we all know men fucking love Japanese bowls.

Most men will already have swiped right based on your incredible (and lengthy) written profile, but some may also be interested in your bio-metrics. Underestimate both your height and weight to avoid accidentally emasculating your potential love-connection.

The recommended height is 4’9″, a foot lower than the average male. Men like to look down on dates to feel comfortable in their masculinity. You can always walk around on your knees if you are concerned about physical discrepancies on your first date. Some women undergo elective knee-capping to circumvent this issue.

Age is relative and can be adjusted at will. Include “age is just a number” in your profile write-up to elucidate this Universal Truth. Fifteen years younger is exactly where you see yourself, and so will your new man. And fortunately, you were 25 pounds lighter when those photos were taken, so sharing pics from the ’90s kills two statistical birds with one stone.

As mentioned above, pictures from 15 to 20 years ago are optimal. If this is no longer available to you (because your last boyfriend tossed out your high school yearbooks in a fit of rage) then you may resort to more recent photos.

Men prefer kissable nymphs to real women (image source: Snapchat)

Always always always use a filter. We cannot stress this enough. Men don’t appreciate seeing your actual face. Especially not when it can easily be improved with a soft-focus lens, doe eyes and/or puppy dog ears. Create a sense of mystery that will drive men wild.

In every headshot, it’s also imperative that you purse your lips to indicate potential kiss-ability. Men like to know you’ve reached first base. Multiple fish-face angles will reassure them that you can survive underwater, in the unlikely event of a water landing.

Group shots also increase your appeal. Surround yourself with more attractive women so it’s clear you always travel in a pack. Of hot women. Potential life partners look forward to meeting your entire sorority or your church choir group. Remember, this visual strategy works best if you’re impossible to identify in the crowd.

With your vastly improved Tinder profile, you should now be receiving at least 3,700 messages a day. Make sure you qualify each potential candidate to determine if they really like you or just “like like” you. This is easily accomplished by ignoring every message. Men have been trained Pavlovian-style to expect zero responses on Tinder, so using common courtesy will only confuse them.

Your future husband will be persistent. Just remember:

Psychotic stalkers are the real keepers!

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