Other Things that Desperately Need Some Pumpkin Spice


Pumpkin spice has long been a treasured harbinger of fall. For as long as we’ve swarmed to coffee shops for pumpkin spice lattes, sniffed pumpkin spice candles, and (in prehistoric times) baked homemade pumpkin pies, people have rejoiced in the rich flavors that bathe our tastebuds and assault our nasal passages.

While lattes, breakfast cereals, and lip balms are readily available, I believe that the market can produce even more pumpkin spiced goodness for smelling, tasting, and slathering liberally onto our epidermises. Here’s to a world that’s absolutely drowning in pumpkin spice.

Medicine & Toiletries

  • toothpaste — Clean those pearly whites with a healthy mixture of nutmeg, cinnamon, and pumpkin puree (recommended by 0.00000001 out of every 10 dentists).
  • baby wipes — Fight the stench of the applesauce that your baby turned into Category A biohazardous waste with pumpkin spice-scented wipes. Maybe drape one over your face while you’re changing her for added pumpkin spiciness (and to keep from passing out).
  • Pepto Bismol — There’s a lot of room for improvement with medicine that triggers the ol’ gag reflex every time. A touch of pumpkin spice would yum this pink glop right up.
  • Benadryl — Are you woefully itchy but can’t stop thinking about pumpkin spice? Pop some chewable pumpkin spice Benadryl!
  • laxatives — They taste so good! Help yourself to just one more. Careful, though, or you’ll end up with a not-so-delightful pumpkin spice-scented bathroom.

Foodstuffs

  • haggis — What better way to season internal organs boiled in the animal’s own stomach than with a few pounds of pumpkin spice? Yum!
  • blood sausage — I’m not entirely sure what blood sausage is, but I’d be way more willing to give it a try if it contained a heaping helping of pumpkin spice.
  • pickled herring — A seasonal favorite, the only way I can think of to improve upon this already heavenly food is to add a generous dash of pumpkin spice to the briny mix.

Miscellaneous

  • garden hoses — Let’s say you’re outside, watering your impressive pumpkin patch. Why not add an attachment to your trusty garden hose that sprays one part pumpkin spice essential oil to two parts water? Divine!
  • nose hair trimmers — This one seems obvious. After all, the whole point is to rid your nasal passages of unsightly and odor-blocking hair. How about adding a discrete pumpkin spice diffuser to make for a more pleasant follicle-shearing experience?
  • hairdryers — If my hairdryer blew the sweet, sweet scent of pumpkin spice into my face each morning, I’d be a nicer person all day long.
  • gasoline — Some people enjoy the smell of fresh gas in the morning. Me, I’d like a pungent pumpkin spice/ gasoline mix to make the experience of pumping gas even more enjoyable.



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