Photo courtesy of A24 on Twitter

First of all, I know a guy who talks like that. Like an old, drunk, schizophrenic sea captain.

“Keeping secrets, are ye?”

Also, sorry if that’s insensitive to the mental heath movement. Can I say old, drunk, retarded sea captain instead? No? Okay. I meant Sea Captain Of Bizarre Vernacular.

Secondly, this movie appears to be in black and white.

Like, the whole time.

So, while this most certainly falls directly under the CINEMA umbrella versus simply being “just a movie”, and something-something-something about whatever film noir means, exactly, I’m probably still going to go see this.

…but I’m not happy about it.

Much like the rapid mental deterioration evident with Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe as their lighthouse keep characters are depicted in this film, very obviously the focus, as shown by the film’s preview.

Also, where the fuck did the screenwriters come up with this? I always want to know the backstory. What’s the creative process here?

What’s your method?

Imagine I’m saying something intelligent in reference to Robert Louis Stevenson or Virginia Woolfe right here. Imagine it! Imagine as hard as you fucking can because instead, I am willing to bet this film is a psychic glimpse into the future of the two poor schmucks who secured this hawt Silicon Valley-adjacent jawb. Are you serious? $130K in San Francisco won’t even get you an iced coffee on the daily and you expect two people to strand themselves in the middle of the bay in order to just kind of keep an eye on a non-functioning lighthouse? What? This sounds about as needed as a social media internship. I’m sure that $130K from, I’m guessing, the US Dept. of the Interior, could in no possible way be better spent on something else.

At least these two won’t catch on fire though. Yikes.

Anyway, back to my original concern.

Did you know, that according to the Trinity House (some kinda British (of course) charity dedicated to seafaring something or whatever lighthouses something-something), lighthouses are different colours and heights for specific reasons?

Way to make a black and white movie about a lighthouse, A24! Jesus fucking Christ! What, is this simply a character study? A first-hand glimpse into madness? An interpersonal whirlwind of terror and delusion?

Was that your vision, Robert Eggers?

Was it?!?!?!

Lighthouses are painted different colors in order to help the mariner identify them during the day.

“What’s a mariner?”

“5th in the AL West!”

“No!”

Lighthouse height takes into account the curvature of the Earth. The light from taller lighthouses can be seen by vessels further out to sea.

“This film is black and white, in no way is that a deterrent in determining the height of the lighthouse present.”

“That’s not the point!”

The actual shape of the lighthouse often depended upon the whim of the individual designer, which is why there are some that look like traditional lighthouses whereas others look like castles [1].

“That is completely superfluous and useless information! Those goddamn British!”

“You simply must calm down.”

This movie looks like a reenactment of my parents’ marriage so I am certain that audiences worldwide will be on the edge of their seats.

References:

  1. Why are lighthouses different colours and heights? (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.trinityhouse.co.uk/about-us/trinity-house-faq/why-are-lighthouses-different-colours-and-heights.





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