Senior Portrait Packages for a Brave New World
It’s your senior year! Did you ever expect this moment would arrive, given that our planet is swiftly deteriorating into a swirling ball of depression and greenhouse gases and you — well, after those Tide pods, you’re just lucky to be alive!
To commemorate this seminal moment in your high school career, we offer a variety of packages to suit your aesthetic as an Instagram influencer and proud member of the Class of 2020. Our team of chatbots is happy to assist as you decide. Some factors to consider as you select a portrait session that is on-brand for you:
Minimalist backgrounds are chic but have you considered the Tire Fire backdrop? It’s very — how do you kids say it — lit? No other image could so well symbolize the presidential election for which you were not responsible as a voter (nor was the rest of the popular electorate! Ha!) but which no doubt cast a shadow upon your high school experience, contradicting the entirety of your AP U.S. History unit on The Constitution, and for which you will pay dearly in trying to recover compromised civil liberties for the rest of your lives.
The popular neon beams of yesteryear are no longer available, but the Meghan Markle lighting scheme is quickly becoming one of our most requested! Once this setting is enabled, our clients tell us that all they can see is Prince Harry looking back at them, biting his lip and whispering “I’m so lucky!” The change in our client’s countenances cannot be underestimated. The Markle lighting is a top tier offering, but a more budget-conscious client may select the Princess Kate corset, a fascinator, or crumpet prop for a similar royal effect.
Given the ubiquity of the selfie, our clients certainly enjoy the freedom of not having to carry around a selfie-stick or tip their Uber driver extra for agreeing to capture the perfect plandid. We begin most sessions with a little coaching session, modeling how to look hopeful and transcendent in spite of global resistance to nuclear disarmament and the 131 million girls around the world who are not able to attend school as our clients do. We keep a number of different Notorious RBG collars of dissent on hand to conjure the affect so many millennials are after. We also encourage our clients to practice smiling in the mirror, eyes alight, as though they really believe they will someday pay down their future student loans before predatory lenders haunt their days and nights. We often suggest Lizzo as a touchstone for this or any white male who just updated his LinkedIn profile. Once the cameras begin flashing, we love how our clients project good vibes — or was that actual vapors from the Juul? — and manifest all the courage of a generation to end climate change as well as the relevance of Kanye West.
We pride ourselves on a strong selection of frames, both digital and handwrought. If something timeless is what you desire, though, we suggest you allocate your framing funds into a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine as everyone likes those but no one ever likes the senior portrait frame that their mom picked out and hung next to a “Live, Laugh, Love” encouragement on the wall.
Once your portraits are uploaded to our online portal, you’ll have the opportunity to mix and match your sizes and quantities as well as to become the self-actualized person you are trying to be in your photo.