4 amazing tips to help you navigate your marriage!
- First of all, you must insist on writing your own wedding vows. She’ll think it’s so sweet and romantic of you, but really, your goal is just to avoid saying that pesky phrase “forsaking all others.” Insert some guff about promising to watch sunsets with her, and she’ll be enraptured.
- Second, make sure your friends arrange a real bachelor’s party for you. That means not doing any mamby-pamby stuff like going to a gun range, sky-diving, or cliff-jumping, but just sitting down like a real man and watching complete strangers take clothes off in front of you. This is what normal people do before the day they promise to spend the rest of their life with another person (you did get the part about forsaking all others out of there, didn’t you?)
- Once you’re married, and your wife is under the impression that you love her (because you say you do and watch sunsets with her at least once a week), stress to her the importance of your business trips. Make sure you explain how much it will benefit your career by going. Also make sure to complain about them, (so she believes you’re actually working), and try to remember little details about the city you visit — not the actual part you visit, you know, just something from a quick Google of tourist sites.
- Fourth, and finally, you must tearfully impress upon her the necessity of counseling, and explain that it’s best to do it separately, in order to come together at home to work on the relationship as suggested. You, of course, will have your own private counselor at the strip club, but she doesn’t need to know that. If you could rate them, I’m sure you’d give them 5 stars for being such good listeners. It helps so much that they aren’t wearing anything. You’re just helping them fulfill their calling in counseling by going. It’s very altruistic of you. Not to mention how much it helps your marriage.
Disclaimer: No reimbursements if you suffer injury from being kicked in the balls by said wife, all advice is given with no guarantee of free legal help when you wife finds out and files for divorce.