I…I just don’t know. This isn’t even a joke; I have no clue why anything in this movie happened. Most of the time I can at least follow what’s going on in this train-wreck movies at a high level, but this one is just off the map.

At the beginning of the movie, it is established that having a press pass literally lets you do whatever you want. Something about a dragon scale being discovered in the desert that reminds the protagonist of the time 15 years ago when a crazy antiques dealer told him a story about dragons.

Then we spend 20 minutes inside a flashback to said encounter with Jack the Antique Dealer / 500-year-old-Korean-martial-arts-master-turned-white-man. Of that 20 minutes, 15 are inside of another flashback to 16th-century Korea, where dragons were as common as squirrels and yet nobody remembers them somehow. Something something a woman was born with a dragon tattoo but instead of killing Scandinavian human traffickers she just falls off a cliff. Now she’s reborn in L.A. and dragons want to eat her soul to become super-dragons.

This movie seems like it had a big budget that was used exclusively for explosions, leaving the effects team to use Blender to make the CGI. We’re treated to an extended sequence of attack helicopters fighting dragons and lizards with rocket launchers strapped to their backs as we forget about the main plot for half an hour.

After it’s all said and done, the bad guys forget they need the girl alive and almost kill her in a car accident, but fortunately both her and the hero survive and are dragged off to Mordor to be sacrificed. Suddenly the pendant the hero has been wearing for protection this whole time actually does something and randomly kills off an entire army, then the main bad guy tries to stab it and explodes. Then the girl’s soul gets eaten anyway and one of the giant snakes sprouts arms and turns into a real dragon.

A fairly accurate collage of events from this movie

I swear I’m not rambling, this is actually what happens in the movie. As far a coherency goes, this is slightly above “The Room”, but not by much.

Pros:

  • Craig Robinson is in this movie. He’s the only actual actor who is.

Cons:

  • I literally thought that I had blacked out while watching this movie. I am so confused
  • The bad guy speaks in some made-up language that I’m pretty sure is just regular speech played backwards and slowed down. Judging from the product placement, it probably contains subliminal messages urging viewers to buy Whopper Jrs.



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