Frantic emergency visit to hospital is “routine check up”
Despite being rushed to Walter Reed Hospital in an ambulance strapped to a gurney and foaming at the mouth, Americans have been assured by the White House that Drumpf is in perfect health and the visit was no more than a “routine check up.” The official news came from White House Communications Director Stephanie Grisham, the sacrificial lamb hired to replace Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Graham, a buxom brunette, is officially on Drumpf’s B-list of women to hit on when no witnesses can verify her story. According to confidential White House sources she failed to make the A-List cut because she isn’t blonde and Drumpf doesn’t consider her “super hot like Hope Hicks.”
“You can trust us that the President’s visit has been scheduled since last year and there is no reason to doubt his mental health,” Graham told reporters.
Graham, a buxom brunette, is officially on Drumpf’s B-list of women to hit on when no witnesses can verify her story.
“Who said anything about mental health? We were told it was chest pains,” CNN reporter Jim Acosta interjected. Acosta, who is allowed to visit the White House on “double/triple fake news probation,” was escorted from the press room.
“As I said,” Graham stressed, “there is no reason to doubt the strength of the President’s heart or constitution. No one said anything about mental health.”
Anonymous sources within the White House, however, have told The Haven that Drumpf suffered a complete, but not unanticipated mental break while watching FOX News coverage of impeachment testimony. “I don’t know if it was a stroke or he just went bat shit crazy, but he called in a member of his Secret Service detail, stole the man’s service weapon and shot the Oval Office monitor more than two-dozen times,” our source revealed.
“While he was gone they went through every room Drumpf occupies (i.e., the Oval Office, bedroom and adjoining bathrooms) and removed any sharp objects, shoe laces and neckties. Don’t know why since he expects people to do everything for him but type his Tweets. He even pages (Chief of Staff) Mulvaney every time he needs his ass wiped.”
The source added, “He’s such a shitty shot, he only hit the monitor once. Now excuse me. I have to re-plaster and paint the walls before the moron gets back and starts screaming again.”
“While he was gone they went through every room and removed any sharp objects, shoe laces and neckties. Don’t know why since he expects people to do everything for him but type his Tweets.”
Our source also provided a shot of damage to the Oval Office from his iPhone. The White House, when questioned about the photo, says it was clearly Photoshopped.
When members of the press attempted to contact members of the Walter Reed medical staff for follow-up, they reached Graham’s office, which assured them Drumpf’s doctor’s couldn’t testify before any House inquiry as they were covered under executive privilege.
Thirty percent of Americans went online or to their churches (mostly online) to offer prayers for Drumpf’s recovery. The rest, including Mike Pence and every Republican with reelection on the line, prayed for him to never wake from anasthesia.