Brandon Dockery


So I’ll be honest; this one is cheating a little bit. At the time that I captured this list, the #60 position belonged to a movie called “Enes Batur: Hayal mi Gerçek mi”. Despite my best efforts, I could not locate a copy of this movie in any form. From my understanding, Enes Batur is a Turkish YouTube star and this was his first movie. It was about Batur being forced to choose between college and YouTube stardom. Since it was on this list, I have to assume that it was comparable to “Fred: The Movie” in quality, except Turkish.

Rather than skip over it I decided to look at IMDB’s most recent version of the Bottom 100 list and pick a new movie that was comparable in its ranking, but which did not originally appear on the list back in January. That movie was “The NeverEnding Story III”. You see how long it took me to get to the point there? That’s what watching this movie was like. Then again, when the title is “The NeverEnding Story” I suppose I really only have myself to blame for being surprised by this.

I’ll further confess to never having seen the original movie in its entirety, or any part of its sequel. As such I have a limited understanding of the continuing plot, so for me this picks up in media res: A kid with stupid hair moves into his step-mom’s house with his dad. The step-mom also has a daughter of roughly the same age. Somehow, the two have never met before move-in day.

The parents are married by this point in the movie, so at a minimum a number of months have passed since they met. At a minimum. Realistically, it’s been at least a year. I don’t know if online dating existed back in 1994, but unless the entire courtship consisted of sending chains of Emojis over AOL instant messenger or erotically-charged posts in seedy Usenet groups, it’s hard to believe neither of them took a second to say “Hmmm, maybe we should sure our kids don’t hate each other” before they pulled the trigger on this.

Then again, when we meet the kids I totally get it. Bastian Balthazar Bux, our hero with the NeverEnding Name, is very upset that he had to move 10 minutes away, but is excited about having a sibling. Meanwhile Nicole is less than stoked, and when her mom comes into her room to let her know that the others are moving in, just remarks “You’re just going to get divorced again anyway”. Upon meeting Nicole for the first time, Bastian opens with “here’s this secret; there’s a magic book I can teleport into with mystical rock gnomes and other weird shit”. Obviously, this is met with total blind acceptance by Nicole and they are close inseparable friends for the rest of the movie. Just kidding she thinks he’s nuts and wants nothing to do with him, which is the only reasonable thing she does this entire movie.

Upon arriving at school, he is immediately targeted by the “Nasties” the stereotypical school bullies led by Jack Black channeling “Trainspotting” Ewan McGregor. He escapes using “The NeverEnding Story” and is teleported to a nightmare version of Chuck E. Cheese, complete with horrific animatronics and a guy in a boulder suit who rides a tricycle and sings “Born to Be Wild”.

Somehow some of these creatures get brought back to the real world, the bullies get the book, and they have to make wishes to save Chuck E. Cheese or something. There’s a magic necklace involved, which Nicole steals to go shopping, then promptly loses to the Nasties. The day is saved when Bastian suddenly knows karate and kicks the living hell out of Jack Black. After a brief threat of divorce, the step-parents reconcile and the movie ends.

In a happier world

Pros:

  • Young Jack Black is exactly like old Jack Black except he looks like he might use heroin and have a friend named Begbie.

Cons:

  • False advertising. This is called The Neverending Story but barely lasted 80 minutes. 0/5 stars do not recommend, asking for refund.
  • Crimes against Steppenwolf



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