Joe Biden gifted competing male candidates “Biden 2020” footballs and female candidates gift certificates to the Hand & Stone & More Hands Massage parlor.

Hong Kong voters got the Chinese Communist Party 50% off of it’s elected representatives.

Pete Buttigieg bought everyone a beer because he’s a big grown up boy — man!

Benjamin Netanyahu bought got a shit ton of gifts — which is sort of becoming an issue for him.

Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg gifted employees of Bloomberg the requirement to publicly support his presidential bid.

Justin Trudeau bought a deeply discounted Halloween costume. Watch out for him next year in needlessly racially charged (self-produced) Nutty Professor 4: The Klumps Make Syrup.

President Donald Trump asked Melania to get him a subscription to The Onion in an effort to avoid fake news.

Prince Andrew bought himself Burger King after being dismissed from Royal Duties. (He was repeatedly asked to leave the play area before being forcibly removed The Burger King.)

Sri Lankan President Rajapaksa got a killer deal on the office of Prime Minister, which he bought for his brother.

Andrew Yang pre-ordered the Tesla Cybertruck for everyone in America.

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani sent competing Democratic primary candidates framed pictures of himself at Saturday Night Live to remind everyone — mostly himself — that he used to be a human being, then he laid down in his coffin and closed the lid as the sun was beginning to rise.

Beto O’Rourke bought an assault rifle to angrily toss into the Rio Grande.

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is still alive, a gift for the future of America.

Elizabeth Warren won a Cyber Monday Raffle for a year-long membership to TITLE Boxing Club.

My mom paid my rent again. (I know that isn’t really geopolitical, but man oh man was it clutch. Just a little more support. I promise: satire PAYS.)

Hillary Clinton bought herself a weighted blanket because she heard it will help with a nearly 4-year-long anxiety attack.

The Pope gifted the Japanese with a visit to the Fukushima power plant and his support for caution when dealing with deeply unstable nuclear energy. He also gifted hundreds of unconscionably unstable priests fallout shelters…

Gordon Sondland gifted Democrats the next step of the impeachment process.



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