Ben Kissam


Act now and get the GI bill and Hulu, FREE


Hey, you. Yeah, you, mister twenty-something-year-old.

We see you, with your two college degrees and your over-inflated sense of self-worth.

We know your secrets. We know the main reason you exercise is to show those high school bullies, and that Whitney Houston choruses make you cry.

We know everything. Even your biggest secret: you don’t have health insurance!

A fit person in America? No sir. You haven’t had insurance since you stopped being 26, and Obama throat-punched you off your parent’s policy!

After all, you seem like you’re healthy. 27-year-olds can’t just get Alzheimer‘s, right? Who knows! You’d ask your medical professional, but you haven’t seen one in years! All your medical diagnoses come from WebMD, where your itchy skin is either eczema or type 2 diabetes!

But soon, you’ll probably want to see a doctor. That’s where we come in.

Tell me if this sounds like you:

  • You’ve gotten rid of a virus using only the collective advice of friends and family.
  • You’ve used the same air cast for three different injuries.
  • You still text a nurse you slept with four years ago asking for medical advice.
  • You’ve cured yourself of bronchitis using only and kombucha.
  • Your dentist, who you haven’t been to in five years, texts you at 1 am, saying “u up?”

See? We know you. And we have a solution.

Enlist in the United States Armed Forces, and you can see a doctor today!

That’s right, just put your life on the line for the country, and we’ll tell you if any potential disasters are on your horizon!

Along with seeing a doctor when you’re sick, U.S. military personnel also enjoys benefits like:

  • Being thanked for your service in the salad bar line at Ruby Tuesdays.
  • Being part of an exclusive subset of Gen-Y that boomers don’t call entitled.
  • GI bill access, so you can get a third master’s degree after you serve.

And come on, what are the chances that the doctor won’t find something?

There’s a good chance you’ll get FREE medical advice and not even have to join the military!

Let’s be honest: even if there’s nothing physically wrong with you, it’s quite unlikely you’re mentally strong enough for active duty!

Ready to roll the dice? Ha, trick question. Of course, you are—you have no other options.

Sign up today, and we’ll throw in a one-year subscription to Hulu. With ads.

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