When you are a teenager you are strong, invincible (good looking?) and healthy.
Your metabolism runs faster than a cannonball. You can have your 5-a-day at McDonald’s for months without fainting or dying horribly. You can have tasteless, cheap pizza with fries and ketchup at 2 am, fall asleep (your senseless face splashing straight on the Domino’s cardboard tray) and still digest the shit as if you just drank water.
Nowadays, I can’t even crunch breadcrumbs at dinner (8 pm) or I’ll end up waking in the morning with the worst nightmare headache. Party night style hangover. Walking Dead face.
I’m not a hero anymore.
You’re not a real man, mate!
I know… my body is sending clear signals.
Screw it, let’s have a Big Mac!
I’m Loving it!
That’s the spirit! You don’t want to end up like Mark, do you?
Man, it’s your flatmate, the Vegan weirdo.
Oh, that guy. Here’s his morning routine.
Learn from pigeons. Gulp down gravels so they can pling-plong inside your guts like lucky balls at Bingo Night. Digestion solved.
Absolutely, let’s get back to the Paleo Age.
You will notice the difference in just two weeks.
I bet! You’ll end up broke like SNAP! Those red devils cost a fortune. Are they even good tasting?
God knows. I had a try once and I felt like someone gave me arsenic.
Did you spit them out? In front of him?
Hey, I’m not rude. I suffered in silence for a while, then I chucked three sugar sachets down my throat.
Yeah, they got rid of any taste in my mouth for an hour.
Did it work with the algae too?
Right, I almost forgot.
You can’t just go on eating salads, broccoli and kale. You need the juice.
Definitely. I love to treat myself too every now and then. A sausage roll, a big, fat steak, or why not, the good-old Full English Breakfast.
Have you heard about the latest?
Holy moly, yeah, that’s the future! You plug your burger to the socket and it instantly gets extra flavour! Fab.
Mate, you got it all wrong. Here’s how it works
This way you’ll transfer energy into your meal. You will activate its inner qualities, its ancient secrets.
This is real wholefood, no bullshit. Activated stuff. I’m in. Should I dance and bounce along wearing a suit?
Respect, man, you’re a real gentleman. Yet, the answer is no. I know you want to be elegant in front of your veggies but they would sense the mocking. You need to wear a costume.
Like… Mardi Gras?
Well… more Native American style. Eagle Feather Headdress on, colourful rugs and animal skins thrown over your body… that kind of fashion.
I have a spare one from the last Coachella festival.
Now we’re talking.
You said veggies would feel the mocking… do you mean they can see through you?
Absolutely. Here’s another good tip for you.
Treat your green friends with love, as if they were your children. Gently explain them the whole process, why you are about to murder them for your own good.
Sure, and if you fail this process they’ll release a deadly poison into your soup, meal, whatever. All their fear, stress, panic will turn into a toxic substance.
Same thing of what happens to cows.
You sound like an expert, mate.
Hey, I live with Mark. I hear stuff.
So, massage, kind words… and
You don’t want to contaminate your food, do you?
I wouldn’t dare. I trusted you since the massage part already.
You should. A good habit is also singing sweet lullabies while cooking or tell fairytales to the veggies, so they’ll fall asleep not feeling the pain.
I should try the same process with the steak I have in the freezer. Tonight’s gonna be treat night. I will cook some mushrooms, fries, and a couple of sausages on the side.
Don’t ever dare to mention meat in the proximity of greens. The thought alone, not to mention the unpronounceable words…
Exactly. Also the delicious, mouth-watering smell of frying bacon, the blood drop that comes out of your mid-to-rare beautifully cooked steak…
Stop it, please. I’m starving…
Well, all those things will send you straight to Hell. You will die of negative energies, that’s a Vegan fact.
Mate, you’re so inspiring! We should have a drink to celebrate wisdom!
Let’s toast to that! Beer?
You insane? Why not go for…
Save the planet and be human, mate. I bet you won’t like to be milked, squeezed by infamous rapists who just want your juices. So stop drinking cow’s milk.
I don’t get it.
Me neither. All I know is you should go for the alternatives if you want to avoid the disgusted looks. You don’t aim to look like a bad person, do you?
Have you ever read the ingredients of those fancy options?
Absi-lute-lightely. Water 99.9% and 0.001% of tasty something. The rest is probably air.
Hey, don’t underestimate air. I’m confident it’s from some very high and sacred mountain.
Indeed. Shame on me.
Why don’t they just drink a bloody glass of water while swallowing a couple of regular almonds with it?
You’re so old fashion. You can’t make cappuccino like that. You need milk.
You should open your mind, expand your horizons. Think pink, Out of the Box, Think Different, Just Do It…
It sounds like you gulped down the complete guide for classic advertising campaigns.
You’re right. Let’s cut the crap, I’m starving.
You know what? Why don’t we try Honest Burger this time?
What’s wrong with the BigMac?
Nothing… it’s just… is it really the best we can get?
Now that you mention it…
The meat is tasteless
The bread is pretty cheap too.
I’m always getting hungry again after two hours. Besides, I feel some heartburn… I don’t know what it is…
It must be the Coke.
Sugars… Mark cut off all sorts of them.
He’s an idiot but he’s young, he’ll get to that.
He’s actually older than us, mate.
What? His skin is so smooth…
And his hair is shining like a Pantene commercial.
It can’t be related to nutrition…
Shit, we’re screwed.