Released November 2019 on Netflix. Directed by David Michôd. Written by Joel Edgerton & David Michôd. Starring Timothée Chalamet as Henry V.

If I was a better planner maybe I would have put out a review of one of the Friday the 13th franchises on this Friday the 13th, but I’m not so this is what you get. ..I love a period piece and historical movie. And I think Chalamet is trending right now but I don’t even remember him from Lady Bird. But I am a huge Little Women fan and will def see that.

I will be mentioning plot elements so if you haven’t seen it you will soon find out. The following was written while watching the movie under the influence of cannabis. If you want to know the inspiration behind these critiques then read my announcement →Here←. As you’ll find, I don’t always write about the movie but go on tangents that the movie makes me think about. That’s the whole point of following this pot-produced stream of consciousness. Enjoy.

This article is rated R for Language.

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I don’t think I’m high enough for this. Or I have I been transported to 1400s Britain. Well, we’ve got two hours so maybe it’ll kick in.

I feel like I’m assaulting my tongue. Today I’ve had a hot tea, two hot coffees, chipotle ranch dressing, acidic beers, and salt & vinegar chips. I think I’m burning off a layer of my tongue.

I think their only costume is the short bangs on the men.

I’d really like to know more about how actors play a role, like do they really drink to get into that state like the character or are they acting like they’re drinking? Is the set super staged or are they really having a good time? I guess I’m just a fan of realness and I want to know what is real and what is fake. And when I’m high everything seems real so I start second guessing myself as to what is genuine. Or does everything seem fake and I want to know what is real?

I think everyone has a butt chin, it just depends on how much fat you got covering it.

How lucky men are to be able to cover the entirety of their faces with hair. They don’t have to use makeup cause they have beards.

I guess they didn’t have shampoo in the 1400s. Just a bunch of greasy long haired dudes.

Clearly the brother is going to die. We all know Henry is going to be king.

It’s hard to follow. All these white dudes with short bangs look the same.

Why is Hal a nickname of Henry? I don’t get it.

Gawd, it’s all about male ego, ain’t it?

How the fuck are they supposed to kill each other with all that goddamn chain mail and armor on. It’s like they don’t want to die. Take it off. One of ya is going to die no matter the armor. They wear that helmet and can’t see the other man’s eyes when they die. Cowards.

How worthless humans were viewed back them. They threw them away so easily. How worthless war is. Killing our brothers and sisters it is.

And I’m sorry but who in their right mind would think Timmy would stand a chance against that stocky bruh. Tim is a waif of a man.

I just looked it up. Henry V was 35 when he became king. Tim looks 15.

I just don’t see how they were able to trust anyone back then. Anybody could try to kill you. How could you eat or drink without thinking it was poisoned since you didn’t make it yourself?

Had to look up gunstone. It’s more affectionately known as cannonballs.

How does man progress, become enlightened when everyone is mistrustful and there are so many lies under lies? I just can’t see the timeline of it. How have we gotten to this stage of intellect. How have we not killed ourselves off yet?

“Promise can never be an end in itself.” Such a good line. Such truth.

Fuck, maybe this was too hard to watch when high. It is really hard to follow. There are so many lies beneath lies and dudes that look a like. But I think I’d have a hard time following it even if I wasn’t high. I’m gonna have to rewind.

Fuck, kids these days don’t even know what rewinding is. I feel old. They will never know what it’s like to rewind a whole movie. They will never know to “be kind, rewind.” They will never know what it’s like to go to Movie Gallery and pick out a movie for when your friend sleeps over. Do young kids still do sleep overs? God, I miss those. I wish I could have sleep overs now. I feel like nowadays it would only happen if you got drunk. Plus most normal people have families and could and would never be able to do that.

Damn R-Pat coming out as the Dauphin. I mean it’s just so hard to take him serious as he does his French accent. I mean it’s good, I just can’t help but see him as a vampire doing a French accent, right? He is channeling Lestat vampire vibes with the long blondish hair.

And the vein in his forehead, you can’t act that.

So soft spoken they are. Quiet. He doesn’t raise his voice; he’s so calm and controlled.

To be carried in a basket swaying back and forth, it doesn’t look comfortable at all. You’d get motion sickness and projectile vomit. How royal would that look? Excuse the royal puke my lord. Naw, I’d rather ride a horse. Oh it’s the archbishop not Henry. Nice fake out. So not royal but holy. Excuse the holy puke my liege.

I think every actor probably dreams of a getting a role where you give a battlefield speech on horseback. How much more powerful could you get than that?

Fuck this muddy fight scene. How could they have choreographed that? That camera is so in it and Tim just jumps from one man to the other. Flawless. How can they tell who the enemy is? They all look alike.

Tim and Rob should do an Interview with a Vampire reboot except Rob can never play another vampire. Too bad he shot his vampire load already. Tim has that pale, old-world vamp skin. But who is the Lestat to his Louis?


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Look for my next The Stoned Movie Critique(r) coming soon! Any requests?! (Not that I would take them but feel free to give ‘em.)

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Carmen Saint James is a performance artist and the author of The Psychotropic Journals. You can check out her latest writings, videos, and photography on her website, youtube channel, and Instagram @carmensaintjames.

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